It might be time to break up with your work wife or husband — the concept is 'outdated' and exclusionary, experts say

In "The Office," Jim and Pam were work spouses who later got married.

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• Work spouses are close colleagues who rely on each other for support in the workplace.
• The relationships aren't supposed to be romantic, despite the marital terms used to label them.
• Some workers say the terms are outdated and risk excluding people from minorities.

"Work marriages" are usually defined as close colleagues who rely on each other for support in the workplace.

But is it appropriate to have a non-romantic work wife or husband?

Insider asked this question on LinkedIn, and our poll received some impassioned responses. The post attracted 17,212 votes — 61% voted no, and 39% said yes.

Despite the name, these relationships aren't supposed to be romantic, leaving many of our respondents asking a similar question: Why are we using terms linked to romantic relationships to describe one that's supposed to be platonic and professional?

A poll conducted in March for Newsweek by Redfield & Wilton Strategies found a generational divide in opinions on work spouses. Out of 1,500 US adults, over half of millennial respondents said they disapproved of the relationships, compared with 39% of Gen Zers and 40% of baby boomers. 

Jenny Holliday, a former journalist who now works as a business coach, is a member of Generation X — people born between 1965 and 1980. She told Insider that she's largely in favor of work marriages, but also skeptical of the use of marital terms.

"I would definitely say I've had people like this in the past at work. I would lean on them if something was really upsetting me," she said. "So I don't have a problem with it."

Holliday added: "It's someone to open up to about things that aren't to do with work, family, or emotional things. Perhaps if you were struggling with your mental health, and you needed to offload to someone, they could be that person that you can confide in."

But she said the "husband" label could sometimes be a bit strange.

"I used to say it was my 'work brother,'" she said. "'Husband' felt a bit odd because he had a wife and I was single at the time, so it felt a bit like, 'I don't want to be his other wife.' Work sibling might be a better alternative."

But some people think it's time to scrap the terms altogether.

"I think it's an exclusionary idea," Mia Zielinska, a therapist and an inclusion and well-being manager, told Insider. "It's an outdated or antiquated idea of relationships and how people interact."

Zielinska said she thought the terms were heteronormative, promoting the idea that heterosexuality is the normal or preferred sexual orientation, and it risked being exclusionary.

"Folks who are in different styles of relationships — if they're polyamorous, for example — or if they're bisexual or trans, they can feel marginalized or pushed out by these normative kinds of ideas," she said.

Max Monclair, a software engineer who is non-binary, said that while they didn't think having close or emotional relationships at work was inappropriate, they didn't think the relationships needed the label.

"I have never seen, for instance, a male-female pair of close friends at work called 'work spouses' if one or both of them are gay," they told Insider.

"Removing the label of work spouses and allowing professionals to define their personal relations on their own terms, without any sort of baggage, would be a major advance in creating a more humane and egalitarian work environment," they said.

Tessa West, a professor of psychology at New York University, also said she found the language a "little weird." She said the phrases could often be used by only one person in the so-called "marriage" and come off a little "territorial." 

"We don't own relationships with people at work. They shouldn't be 'taken,'" she said.

"I'm also not a big fan of using this type of language at work in general (throw "work family" into that mix) because there's research showing it can lead to some fuzzying of boundaries that people like to keep in place," West added.

She said that while it's fine to have close relationships at work, the heteronormative terms can be restrictive.

"They are just creating a lack of clarity around boundaries and expectations for what a relationship should look like at work — which is also an outdated way of thinking about the workplace."

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